dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
