I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize