I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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