I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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