he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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