I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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