The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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