Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
