legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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