I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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