i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
