Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
