While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I can't put those talents on a resume
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
