three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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