awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize