So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
