Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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