Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
