I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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