Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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