Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
