Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
