She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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