She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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