how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
