Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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