the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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