i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize