My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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