whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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