Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
