just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
