You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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