I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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