Can Purell be used as lube?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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