My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
