I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
