I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
