No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
