At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
