Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
