if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize