im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
