I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
