I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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