these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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