Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
