Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
