Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
