maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
