this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
