Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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