I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
