I'm so fucking centered right now
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
