I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
