Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
