this beer tastes like vomit already
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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