The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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