I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
