You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
