Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
