You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
We named our party play list daddy issues
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
