there's paper in my vomit.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
